By Kevin L. Baker
Have you ever felt like you didn't know who you really are? I
have felt this way when I was young and figuring out who I was. "Finding
yourself" and having an identity crisis were common back then. I really do
not hear much talk like that these days. Then, at midlife, everything I thought
was stable crumbled, even though I had done everything possible to have a
stable marriage, family, and career. Lesson: Some things you just cannot
control.
Then I
discovered what it means to reinvent yourself. After living my whole life in
America, mostly in Western New York near Buffalo, I ended up reinventing my
life in Sydney, Australia. Now I live out on a peninsula near the sea.
I got married again, and had three more children. A new
beginning, a new country, a new family, and continued growth as a business
leader. That last one took some adjustment to learn the nuances of
international business.
I
believe one of the most important questions—perhaps the most
important—is “Who am I? This is the core question we all eventually ask.
I imagine this particular question has been with human
beings since conscious awareness first appeared in the minds of our most
ancient ancestors. A long time ago, a wise person told me you see who a person
really is when they are under stress. Another wise person, Jim Selman, came up
with an idea that we can know ourselves in five basic relationships.
I am my relationship with
myself (my inner conversation).
I am my relationship with
other people.
I am my relationship with
circumstances.
I am my relationship with
time.
I am my relationship with
whatever is beyond my understanding (a.k.a. the mystery of existence).
When We Don't Know Ourselves Fully
At one
point in my life, I didn’t know who I was/am. I was lost and wandering through
time searching for purpose, identity, meaning, and what I should do with my
life. I was married at a young age and had my first child at 21. I was a family
man. Husband. Dad. At that time, when I thought of who I was,
I mostly found my identity in being a family man. My confidence, my behaviours,
values and priorities changed when I got married and had children.
I was
also working in business by day because being a clergyman doesn’t always pay
the bills. I had grown up the son of an entrepreneur who started his own
business. I was highly entrepreneurial and started two non-profits, then two
businesses. So while I was raising four children, I worked in business by
day moving up the ladder through middle management to senior management, and
working in my non-profit labour of love work.
In our
twenties, many of us try a lot of things, and then narrow it down to something
that we think is what we are meant to be and do in life. When we get
there, we can think, I am that. Man of us at one time will think, “I am my
career.” When we do, everything from my confidence and my behaviors to my
values and priorities revolve around that belief. How many times do you meet
people, and they ask, “What do you do?” In that question, people might
think of who you are as what you do. Who we are is much more than what we
do, isn’t it?
At
twenty two, I had started a college education at Houghton College. However,
balancing the class load with work and family caused me to pause. I have often
repeated that scenario doing many things all at once.
Two
years later, I moved from New York to Missouri and restarted my quest for
education at what is now Evangel University in Springfield. I decided to go to
university to learn how to think. If you read my writing for awhile,
you will learn I read, I think, and I write about it. I attended a seminary to
study theology and philosophy. Looking back, that degree did not have had the
highest probability of a sunstantial return on investment. One day, I will tell
you about the Diamond-Water Paradox and show you why people who want to help
people never get paid well. I did not think like about ROI on education back
then. I did not look at the value of a university education as an outlay of an
initial outlay of a cash investment that would generate future cash flows. I
developed that outlook when I got an MBA and moved from an idealist to a
realist financially.
My
liberal arts and divinity education, though, prepared me well for what was
ahead. Philosophy taught me how to think and live a good life. Divinity taught
me the about the nature of reality, objective moral truth, how to live a holy
life, hermeneutics (the science of interpreting literature), ancient Greek
language, public speaking, writing, and much more.
All of
those skills have served me well in my life of founding non-profits,
businesses, and executive life in businesses. Later, as I mentioned, I added a
Masters of Business Administration (MBA) degree to my Bachelor of Arts. These
two degrees provided me a great starter toolbox of capabilities to build a life
and vocation with.
Once We Know Purpose, We Start To Have Peace
I often
translate to people outside of faith that clergy are life coaches, spiritual
advisors, community organisers and builders, and they connect people to one
another and the mystery of life.
My
inner and spiritual life development told me at that point in time that I was
supremely loved. I didn’t have to strive for approval like I did as a teen and
twenty something. I didn’t have to please people,or feel the hurt of
rejection. My search for significance ended. I was significant
because one version of me was created.
Personally,
I was accepted just as I am, and I experienced peace. Little did I know this
was laying the groundwork for something larger that would come down the road.
As I had a sense of purpose, in my thirties I was accomplishing and achieving,
and still finding meaning in what I do, more than who I am.
The
whole concept of human doing and human being began emerging. We are much more
than our achievements. I made many good choices, and also some bad choices
through the years. That is how you gain knowledge, experience, and good
judgment. Trial and error plays a part in life, as does learning from
others–trusted elders, mentors, coaches, professors, and friends.
With each
new declaration or understanding of myself came new interpretations of what I
had learned or experienced in my life up to then, as well as new insights and
possibilities. Today, I have another answer about who I am. It is the
understanding that comes from a lived life.
I think
many of you are searching for an answer to the question, “Who am I?” Now, in
later midlife, my answer to who I am is one which I believe, while not
definitive, can be universally empowering. It is obviously not the only
interpretation or “truth” about who we are.
The Five Relationships That Define Who
We Are
I believe we are at the core defined by our relationships. I learned
this concept from Jim Selman, an executive coach and writer who has impacted my
life. With his principles as a foundation, I have developed my own thought on
how to flourish in life by truly knowing who we are.
Let’s look at these in
more depth today, and in future articles.
I am my relationship with myself (my inner conversation).
There is a continuous
conversation going on in everyone’s head. Have you noticed you spend alot of
time, energy, and attention having a talk about meaningless, unimportant
matters inside your own head? This conversation goes on from the moment of
waking until falling asleep. What is the inner conversation?
It is the process of
asking yourself questions and answering them. It is the process of repeating
words and thoughts in the mind. It is the little voice in your head that
comments on your life, circumstances and situations, and on other people. Our
self-talk can be cheerful and supportive or negative and self-defeating.
Self-talk can be
beneficial when it’s positive, calming fears and bolstering confidence.
Human nature, unfortunately, is prone to negative self-talk, including sweeping
assertions like “I can’t do anything right” or “I’m a complete failure."
For others, their self talk is full of grandiose ideas about themselves!
Our inner dialogue
continues while working, studying, reading, watching TV, talking, walking and
eating. There is a constant activity of judging of people, commenting on what
is going on, planning, desires, gossiping, and conducting mental conversations
with people you know or don’t know. These inner talks create a snowball effect.
The more you conduct them, the more you become chained to them, unable to stop
them. That is why healthy inner dialogue forms our relationship with
ourself.
Our relationship to our inner thoughts and talk is part of who we think we
are.
So, is inner speech just
thinking? Thinking means everything the mind does. A certain category of
thinking that we call verbal thinking, inner speech, the stuff that we do in words.
When emotions are experienced in our self talk, more power, energy and
attachment are added. This has an adverse effect on the behavior,
judgment and general performance of our outer self.
On many occasions, the
inner dialogue is negative, and strengthens any negative attitude or behavior.
Sometimes, it is a dialogue with ourselves, and sometimes, it is just a
monologue. Most people do not have enough faith in themselves and in their
abilities, and therefore, they allow their mind to engage in negative inner
dialogues.
How To Silence The Inner Critical Voice
The process and effects
of these inner conversations are similar to repeating affirmations.
Constant thinking about the same subject, affects the subconscious mind, which
consequently, accepts these thoughts and words and acts on them. This is our
relationship with ourselves in our self talk.
Negative inner dialogues
create negative results, and positive inner dialogues create positive results.
That’s why you should switch to positive self talk. It’s simple. If you fill
your mind with negative dialogues, you start expecting negative results, lose
motivation and avoid taking action. On the other hand, if you keep conducting
positive dialogues, you become a more positive person, seek opportunities and
take action.
Many of us have had to
deal with the voice inside that drags us down. Every human being possesses one
of those inner voices to question, doubt, and challenge their dreams,
aspirations, and sense of self. It’s a survival mechanism our ancestors needed
to keep them safe from wild animals or big natural disasters, but in modern-day
society this voice has evolved into this untamed inner beast that can often
encourage us to shy away from greatness.
But how
can we step away from those negative patterns and turn our inner dialogue
around? If we’d never speak to a friend in such derogatory ways, we should
certainly not be speaking to ourselves like that either, so how do we take back control and learn to quiet the
inner critic down?
Drawing upon my divinity edcuation, the ancients
wisdom of Job says, "If only you could be silent! That’s the wisest thing
you could do." Some of you know I ran the business affairs of a Catholic
monastery for ten years. The Rule of St. Benedict requires living by the work
of one’s hands, not by donations. In the monastery, I learned to practice
silence, and think deeply with a clear mind. The teachings of John Cassian,
Thomas Merton, and others taught me to be still and listen.
We typically have anywhere between 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts each day and
quieting our turbulent mental environment creates the blank canvas upon which
to paint a positive internal conversation. When the mind is still it becomes a
fertile field that is receptive to the seeds we plant there. In addition,
meditation cultivates our witnessing awareness and helps us pay attention to
our mental commentary and its contents.
Here are a few ways I learned to quiet down the inner turbulence and anxiety
that can dominate our inner conversation.
LEARN TO TO GRATEFUL
Fix your thoughts on what is true, and
honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things
that are excellent and worthy of praise. Being thankful and grateful re-orients
us and combats anxiety. Try repeating the statement, I am so
grateful for _____, By doing this we create positive momentum in our
internal dialogue. Focusing on what’s good or uplifting in your life also
conditions you to stay vigilant in looking for more of the same
gratitude-worthy experiences to come into your life—or as the saying goes, where
attention goes, energy flows.
LEARN TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE
Negativity
is easy, and it is everywhere. Our brain has a negativity
bias—an actual tendency to notice negative situations and events more
easily than positive ones. We inherited this neurological artifact from
our ancient ancestors who, due to their constant survival mentality, had to
always be on the lookout for danger or anything that would put their lives at
risk.
Negative
energy can be contagious and pollute the internal dialogue with fear, anger,
and other dense mental states. While we can’t avoid all negativity, being consciously
aware of refocusing our attention away from the negative and toward the good can have a powerful effect on our internal
dialogue.
Moving
to a new country caused me to discover that my controlled life back in the USA
was more predictable which caused me to not worry about survival.
When I went through what I call my period of great sadness and loss, my inner
dialogue became distressed leaving everything familiar into the unknown.
Immigration. No one knowing me. No work network. I still have to take one
day at a time and fighting negativity helps me to enter peace.
FIRM UP THROUGH THE POWER OF MENTAL EXERCISE
Positive
self-talk statements that can help to reprogram your subconscious mind and
internal dialogue toward a more constructive mental environment. To
“affirm” means to make firm that which you wish to be true or
experience. Affirmations help us replace our old, stale, or obsolete
mental commentary with new and more inspiring ideas. With regular
practice and exercise, we learn to keep your attention on what you we want
rather than what you don’t.
LEARN TO LIVE A LIFE OF PURE
SPEECH AND BEHAVIOUR
“It's not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the
words that come out of your mouth.”
What our heart is full of comes out of our mouth and our actions. Speech
and behavior are natural outcroppings of your internal dialogue. In a
similar way, your actions and speech reinforce your internal dialogue.
When you
consciously choose to practice impeccable speech and behavior, your internal
dialogue will automatically become more positive and refined. Being
impeccable means behaving in accordance with the highest standards of
propriety. In essence, it means being unimpeachable and without fault.
This can be a tall order and while none of us are perfect, we can continually
aspire to carry the spirit of impeccability within us, refraining from anything
that could be potentially considered hurtful to others.
LIVE OUT OF OUR TRUE NATURE
One of
the challenges of being an executive in business is the politics and cut throat
egotistical environment many business people cultivate. It makes me take
on what I think of as my lower nature to be in the jungle. It becomes
very easy to lose ourselves and forget our true nature as those who a born to
thrive and have an unbounded spirit. We feel localized in the
world of positions and possessions, roles and titles. However, this is not
who we really are.
This is
where we started. How do we answer the question, who are we?
When we
identify with our true selves we have the instant recognition that we are free
from limitations, that we have spontaneous knowing, and that we exist in a
state of complete fulfilment. Mastering our inner dialogue is an every
day, lifelong development.
In
future posts,I will share about the other relationships that define who we are.
